Weight, skin, hair and other unspeakable demons.

My parents did their best. They did everything they could. They really did. Making sure I was praised as much for my mental as my physical abilities and features. As an only child I've been lucky enough to get all their undivided attention. Both tried bringing out and cultivating various sides of my personality. However, all of this unconditional love and support did not protect me from society. And per extension from myself.

As many of you know by now, I was born in Belgium, grew up there for 14 years before moving a little through Europe and finally ending up in Morocco. At home I've been confronted with two opposed visions of 'normal'; my mother : thick curly black hair, dark brown eyes, caramel shade skin & my father : wavy straight dark blond hair, green eyes, sensitive fair skin. My whole time at primary school I've been surrounded by physical features that couldn't have been more distinct from mine. I was the tallest, the biggest, the darkest, the one to first develop feminine features at a very young age. And even though high school opened up my mind to new beauty standards, they were crushed down by puberty and the mental instability it brings with it. As a young woman, you continue to see yourself through other people's eyes, friends and lovers that have access to the most intimate versions of yourself.

Society has been treating humans as tools to feed capitalism and consumerism for as long as we can remember. Altering and modeling human features while defining every season what is acceptable. From plucking every body hair possible in the 90' to leaving armpit hair as a political stand. From anorexia of the early 00' to unrealistic hourglass figures we so desperately try to obtain nowadays. We've been influenced and influenced through centuries to fit socially acceptable images that are most of the time unrealistic. Unnatural. Inhuman.

Be sexual, but stay classy.

Be thick, but have a small waist and thin arms.

Have long hair it's feminine.

Have short hair it's edgy.

Pluck your body hair it's not attractive.

Keep some hair it's a political stand.

Go to the gym, sweat it out, but don't smell, it's disgusting.

Stop doing so much effort it's pathetic.

You're not doing enough you're being lazy and unsophisticated.

The list could go on, enumerating the imposed contradictions and the bipolar behaviors that go paired with it. All abrasive to our mental health, eating it up, comment after comment, look after look, trend after trend. And you know what is even more unacceptable then not filling every irrational physical characteristic ? Mental health issues. The crying, the frustrations, the irrational behaviors, every little ounce of impulsive behavior coming from pressure is categorized as taboo.

We've been wrangling our bodies in boxes that weren't made for them, which takes its toll on our mental well being, which in turn we're shutting down to avoid being looked down upon. Suffering thus twice.

Why do humans hate humans so much ? Why do we run from what makes us the same ? Why are we so eager to erase every little difference that makes us stand out ? Why do we turn our backs to nature in its purest form ? How did society brainwash us into believing nature wasn't good enough, fast enough, perfect enough, just; enough ? When did we accept other people's judgement as an universal truth that should be blindly believed ?

Acknowledging how I've been actively participating to it all & sabotaging myself wasn't easy, and I'm currently still in the process of untangling my own needs and opinions from society's.

And looking back at all the hurt I bought upon myself, made me realize how the human brain can willingly block out rational thinking as long as it's following a group of peers.

In time all that pressure to fit in created an anxiety that would never leave my side. Blocking my every move and transforming it into a calculated actions. I'd avoid situations where I thought I would not be at my advantage if it hadn't been carefully planned ahead. The more time would pass, the more I would imprison myself, making my daily life a living hell.

So here I am, listing all my dangerous and hurtful habits and sharing them with you, not only because the liberating feeling of writing it down is part of a the healing process, but also because I truly hope this will somehow end up on someone's screen who will need it as much as I do.

Hair :

I've dyed my hair for the first time at 14 years old. Blonde but then it was too light, black but then it was too dark, a what then seemed to be a never ending cycle, until my 23rd birthday.

Brazilian/ Japanese straightening techniques, keratin, tanino,.. all of it, for 10 years. I can honestly not even tell you how my hair felt before all of this. I have absolutely no reckoning of its texture or how I would look with it.

Add to this : straightener every day to curl my straight hair to give it more texture, the same texture I erased through the treatments. (Don't ask me for the logic behind this).

Skin :

I've always struggled with my skin : too dark in the winter, not dark enough in the summer, not soft enough for people to touch, too many scars reminding me of life experiences.

The 'oh you have a spot' 'you're skin is not soft everywhere' 'you look so pale' comments pushed make up and drastic (natural) tanning sessions into my routine. I'd be the first to tan during the spring, because I had to be ready for the summer. Covering every blemish on my body for at least 30 min before wearing a dress and daring getting out of the house. That constant anxiety ended up making my skin even wors. I'd break out, have red patches at the most weird places and white spots crawling up my belly, back and arms. Which in return caused even more unpleasant comments, and so on. -Oh hello vicious cycle-

Body hair :

This one is shameful. I've been plucking and shaving every little body hair my poor body dared to create since the age of 11. Yes guys, 11. I could see the light blond hairs popping up everywhere, on my legs, arms, hands, feet, belly, genitals, face. It all had to go. All of it. I didn't want to see them or feel them and oh god the drama if someone else did. Every date was a 6 hour preparation where I'd analyze every section of my body for the unwanted guests, shaving, plucking, scaring my skin and my self confidence in the process.

I even tried laser treatments which had a horrible effect on my skin. The redness and little bumps wouldn't leave me for weeks. Which, you guessed it, were looked at and commented on by my entourage and myself.

Weight :

I believe my weight is what has been causing me the most trouble since forever. I've been the tallest girl in school for a while, which made me feel like I was constantly looked at.

But high school is where the trouble really started with eating disorders : continuously counting calories which made me know the content of most food before I could even describe its taste. Always wanting to keep that size 34 no matter how feminine my body got during puberty. I refused to acknowledge curves and to do that, staying thin was a vital necessity. I'd run for 2 hours after school, faint multiple times in class, push through headaches and smoke a cigarette every time I felt hunger coming up.

I printed pictures of models, glued them in a notebook I'd open up every time I decided to eat. The fact that my parents were only able to monitor one of my food intakes due to their work schedule (breakfast & lunch I did alone, diner being the only time I actually ate was with them) helped my stupid, reckless and unhealthy behavior.

At 14 I lost my dad to cancer, which pushed me into various directions mentally. Food was my savior; the only constant I would run to every time I felt horrible; (just like that toxic ex that keeps creeping up). I'd indulge myself every pleasure. Most of the time until I would literally fall asleep from eating too much. This went on until I was 16. I started dating and obviously society couldn't accept a 80kg 16y old. So I started the whole process again, the calorie counting, the gym burn outs and lost 22kg in a couple months. I kept it off for for years, until again my mental health took another hit when I started living in Morocco. Since then I regained almost half of the weight lost, bringing me back to square one.

Today I still struggle with my weight, once in a while I would decide to not go out to avoid people's eyes, there are a variety of clothes I own I never wear, not even in private to avoid seeing some body parts that make me want to cover every mirror in the house.

All the bottled up frustration obviously results in counterproductive and irrational behaviors :

- Starting a public instagram to build confidence by taking pictures of myself and end up eating even more fast-food when I'd be confronted with people's opinions.

- Feeling inadequate and unsatisfied almost every time I get dressed or pass a mirror, but would consciously stare at my 'fat' for hours, meticulously commenting on every visible part.

On very bad days, I make myself believe my friends and loved ones will leave me because of my weight, because of how I ugly I see myself, because of how much I talk of it and how little I actually do to make it better.

Why enumerating every one of my demon's ? Hopefully to make you feel more comfortable with yours. My ugly truth is not much different than yours. Unconsciously comparing your own experiences to mine might eventually -again hopefully- make you see how similar we actually are. How hurt we all are. How much we all need each other. How much you need yourself. There is no miraculous technique that could make you accept yourself fully. Our opinions have been entangled with other people's for way too long & it's harder to get out of society's grasp than we think. Its power lays in making us believe we are the ones in control & that every move we make is 100% our own. All of this influence has made it confusing to know if what we are doing is actually something we want to do, or something we do to please someone else.

For me, being aware of the situation is the first step into the light. Acknowledging your complicated relationship with yourself is the one way to fix what's broken. If we would invest as much time and energy into fixing our minds, our bodies would inevitably follow. Our inner compass knows exactly what is good for us. And what's 'good' is as complex and unique as each and every individual walking this earth. Thus the inutility of constant comparison and competition. You're only supposed to be better than a previous version of yourself.

Learning ways to love yourself is the key to accepting what makes you, human as well as what makes you, wonderfully you.

I'm still in the process of learning to trust my inner feeling, to listen to that inner voice that wants me to do the right thing for me, to acknowledge that this process has it's ups and down, that both highs and lows need to be acknowledged and celebrated and that patience is the only key to success. Keep in mind that Rome wasn't built in a day, and you weren't either.